I just spent an awful lot of time looking at Madonna's website ( she's 47!!), and reading blogs of girls apparently more witty than I am. I am thinking maybe it's because I no longer write in whole sentences. I no longer speak in whole sentences. I say "what are you ....just quit...uhh.. if you don..."I have lost my wits. sad

I feel swamped..All anyone talks about is giving gifts / not giving gifts..when Jesus was born..how Christmas isn't really his birth date so..what the heck. When I was a child Christmas was magic, reverent ..somehow refreshing and special..When I was young I liked to sit and watch snow flakes fall in the deafening silence of a snowy night . As a young child I sat in my friend's life sized yard nativity scene and looked at the baby Jesus.. I knew it was all really important.
I don't care about anything the news says ..none of it gets to the heart of what I really feel daily, it's all meant to be inciteful..not insightful..
I just want calm reverence, sugarplum fairies, nativity scenes, songs like Greensleeves, and silent night on Christmas eve ..and perhaps a few groggy joyful present openings early Christmas day..and no arguing.
Even if he wasn't born on that date, it's when we have universally chosen to celebrate a spirit of hope..the promise that his coming gives to each of us.

I could not live here...omgosh it would be nuts...but none the less amazing watch the video..was shut down by a car crash though.. View video.

Omgosh, what a blessing!!! I watched this and wanted to cry, maybe because I myself have a tiny baby..wow..
http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,178786,00.html
click the video...

You know, I have never been strongly for or against capital punishment, the Tookie thing made me think about it and I think I may have answered myself. I first thought are we depriving people the chance to "get right with God" I am going to sound like a moron to someone I'm sure...but then I thought more and ...look at Tookie he was able to still do something good in the time they gave him (what 24 years?) before his death..
Still not sure where I stand. Many Societies without our capacity to jail people for extensive periods of time , have capital punishment. I will need to one day seriously think about it more.

UPDATED I have decided against, if there is no DNA evidence...there's things prisoners can do..lots of work and perhaps reparations.. though..a dna proved child killer..that's tough..

Christmas card preview!!! I'm so excited..he will be mad because this is in no way the finished product..he just slapped it together to show me the idea of it..but I love it...

I have pink eye..It really sucks..My kids would say I shouldn't use that word ...but man it sure does suck....It appears to be viral and will go away within a few days..joy..just a few days of absolute annoying torture... uuugh. You know, I saw a girl in high school once with pink eye, I thought it must be somewhat rare and not good. Then you have children and you get illnesses that you have never even heard of..34 years no pinkeye..till now..

Christmas

christmas
Originally uploaded by bluefishga.

Today I find I need patience, and to look for what I am grateful for...
I was driving ana to school to catch her bus for her field trip..the car sputtered ...and went ..sputtered ...and went then sputtered and stopped...about 6 blocks from school..I unloaded all 4 kids..got out my stroller, loaded them up..a minivan pulls over ..she knows my Volvo and has seen us at the park..she owned a Volvo just like ours..and lives across the street from the park..( I felt humiliated..her house is really , really nice..)we all get in ...ana barely makes it, but she made it..I call the mechanic...then head home..the car will be towed to the shop..
Then we get home leahs diaper didn't quite hold it's load..it's all over her..on me..I toss her in the tub strip her down...then strip me down ..get us all cleaned (load of laundry) bleach the tub....ok
I have my Charlie Brown Christmas CD on...things are ok...
I clean the garage out a bit more , still working on my "mudroom area"
made lunch..I have a Menu for each meal of the day...no worries..
load the dishes...write my blog...
I remembered my first Christmas in NYC all alone , really very alone..and very broke..
I lived in a studio (this means one room, kitchen closet and a bathroom..same size as my living room now..if even that big) It cost me 700$ a month, I was waitressing. I had a plant that I put lights and a few tiny ornaments on...
I worked Chrismas Eve..

This year ..I have a beautiful smart daughter to drive to her wonderful school..3 more adorable children that really adore me , and I them..I get to give them gifts..and watch their excitement. I have a truly dedicated and loving partner..I say partner because he really is 50/50 in this endeavor..maybe even 60/40..
I can sing in the choir with Grampa...and come home ..to a warm beautiful home..
I am really so fortunate..This wasn't always how it was...

Ben made that...as an idea for our new frames...it's not done of course...we would do other stuff over that..collage kinda..different mediums..
I love singing la tortura by shakira don't laugh..I like to sing alejandro sanz part..really loud. http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/clipserve/B00097A5HW001003/0/103-5718604-7591847
the imagery of me singing that is great...

I used to live in one of the most incredible cities on Earth. Is that saying too much for New York? I loved New York, it's in my blood....sometimes I feel the urge to return, pulling me....In New York you are limitless, unknown..nothing is impossible...everything is there...
Though now everything is here..the two parts don't mix..Family and New York City are somewhat oxymorons. I would never envision raising children there...I have a starbucks cd that I love ..don't laugh "Charlie Brown Christmas' Jazzy Christmas music reminds me of snowy..sparkly nights in NYC . Gorgeous...shopping in the village...little white lights everywhere. Will I ever go back? Likely not, perhaps we will move to SF , open a gallery ....
http://www.content.loudeye.com/scripts/hurl.exe?clipid=089568001020006910&cid=600012

A guy I like
Originally uploaded by bluefishga.

This picture reminds me of how I felt when we first met. 7 years ago. It's funny how time passes, you grow older . Your partner grows older , and you actually watch them go through changes, seasons..lines appear, interests change. They perhaps get balder, chubbier, (thats me I'm talking about)but you still deeply love them. Still can find their new interests fascinating. Sometimes you can even share the new interests.
I have known him since he was practically a boy, 20 almost 21 ...he has grown into a great man..

Birth of our last baby

Birth of our last baby
Originally uploaded by bluefishga.

This is the last of a bunch of really kinda cute people. I have thought it's kinda narcissism to have children little yous to show how great you are...but then again..they seem to be better than us from the beginning...

My first blog wow. I was hesistant because I don't want everyone to read my drivel, but then again..who's going to read it? so I guess I can start one..It will likely be a lot of kids , etc. but maybe it's a place to put things..somewhere else but stuck on the tape player in my head. Maybe Ben will share this one with me....

who knows